I’m writing this just to get it off my mind. It’s been 9-10 days since she told me to stop. And of course, I’m still in the process of moving on, and forcing myself to let go. Pero naisip ko, before I let her go, I’ll make something out of that lovely and memorable experience.
I can’t remember nor find out when did we became friends here on Facebook. But I’ve known her since she became a choir mate of mine. I can still remember her first “ensayo.” It was right after our “Pasalamat.” She looked so young and cute by that time, and she looks so innocent. And at that moment, I got a new crush; well you know who it was. J And while we’re practicing, I noticed she was fairly close to where I’m sitting, so I decided to “papansin” by poking her right shoulder. She didn’t respond, I think she didn’t notice it or she’s just ignoring it. Honestly, I can’t remember what happened after that, but what I know is, she’s my crush, and she’s doesn’t attend our practices that much.I can still remember na nagmamadali pa ako umuwi kapag tapos na ‘yung ensayo, tapos babalik ako ‘dun sa dinadaanan nila nang naka-bike, para lang malaman ko ‘kung ‘san siya nakatira, but it always fails, pagkabalik ko ‘dun wala na sila. And whenever I see her cousins, my eyes automatically searches for a cute little Chinese-looking-girl that looks so shy. Then weeks pass by, she’s still not attending, and I’m like “Siya na nga lang ‘yung dahilan kung bakit ako nag-eensayo eh.” So I decided that I should stop it, na-bautismohan na din naman ako by that time eh. After that, I never saw her again. Until….
Here comes the Facebook part, I really don’t know how I had her profile, because I only know her by her first name. It’s hard to search for someone on Facebook just by their first name, so, there must be some reason. But I think I prolly just saw her on me cousin’s profile and added her because I know her. By that time, she has a boyfriend, and I must admit three things:
- She got prettier than ever, she looks matured now.
- Her BF looks good too.
- They look good together.
As usual, I must also admit that I kind of looked through her pictures that time, because she’s really beautiful. Then, naging crush ko na ulit siya ‘nun, ganun ako eh, kapag maganda at kilala ko personally, crush ko na. XD And honestly again, I don’t know what happened next, maybe this was the time na nag-away kame ni J.
“Note: J is my first love, I’ve known her for too long, and I loved her more than anything else. And a little trivia about my past, almost 90% ng girls na nagustuhan ko, letter J ang name.”
The real drama/love story starts here.
It’s summer of 2012. Of course, mainit, boring, and last but not the least, gutom ako. As usual, I spend most of my time online. And I think this was my most productive summer, I worked as a part-time helper to my Tito. Construction worker siya eh, and I like those jobs. Nae-exercise ang katawan ko kahit papano, mahirap naman kasi talagang lagi nalang nakahukot sa harap ng computer eh, kawawa likod ko pag matanda na ko. Simple lang naman ginagawa ko eh, taga-abot ng kung ano ano, taga-bili ng kung ano ano, taga-linis ng kung ano-ano. And after ng work, siyempre maliligo, tapos mag-oonline na ko. Then I noticed na lagi palang online ‘yung crush ko noon. Ilang days or weeks din siguro ‘yun. And gustong gusto ko talaga siya i-chat, kaso, anong sasabihin ko? Ayan ang problema ng mga binata ngayon eh, hindi nila alam kung pano sisimulan. Kahit ako, naging problema ko ‘yan sa kanya. Ano kayang sasabihin ko? Kilala pa kaya ako nito?
“Sidenote: Kilala pa niya ko, I just remembered na nagcomment nga pala siya dun sa isa ‘kong picture noon, ‘yung kasama ko ‘yung dalawa kong kapatid. She said na ang tangkad ko daw, and I really look like my cousin.”
Going back, yep, matagal ko ‘ding pinag-isipan kung pano ko siya makakachat. And it’s not as simple as it sounds! Mahirap kaya ‘yun! Ilang araw at gabi ko ‘ding inisip ‘yun eh. Tapos one night, while drawing a female character on my scratchpad, naisip ko, why not draw her? Naalala ko DP niya ‘nun ‘yung duling dulingan siya, and it’s really cute, SHE’S REALLY BEAUTIFUL. So finally, April 7 @2:57am, I left a message on her Facebook and said, “Hi Janelle, uhm ask ko lang kung pwde ko bang idrawing ‘tong pic mo na ‘to? *attach the very cute picture here* Hobby ko lang magdrawing eh, ang ganda mo d2 eh. ^_^” Then later that day, @ 8:31pm, she approved my request with “Sige. J”
“Sidenote: Napansin ko na formal siya magchat, proper punctuations, capitalizations, and grammar. Those made her look more awesome for me.”
As usual I thanked her for the approval and she said that I should give her a link kapag natapos ko na. Na-inspire ako dun, gusto ko tapusin agad at galingan ang pagdrawing sa kanya. Days and nights passed, hindi ko pa rin nasisimulan ‘yung drawing. Eh kasi ba naman, ang hirap mag focus! I get lost in her eyes! Lolz. Ang cute kasi nung photo, kaya imbes na idrawing ko, I just keep on staring at it. And sa kanya palang nangyari ‘yun, nakapagdrawing na ‘ko ng ibang girls na beautiful din but I never slacked because of “overwhelming” cuteness of the photo. Then at April 11, @ 10:11am she asked me kung tapos na daw ba ‘yung drawing. And I just replied with my words of “Great things takes time.” I also told her that I’ll give her a link kapag natapos ko na. And I’ve made up my mind that morning na kelangan ko na talaga simulan ‘yung drawing, nakakahiya naman kasi sa kanya. And again, the staring thing repeated itself, but this time may nasimulan na ko, mga April 20-22 ata ‘yun, unti unti kong sinimulan, outline, primary shading, layering, at blending. Then nung April 23, nagpost ‘yung pinsan ko ng mga photos. “SKP NA.” And I saw her pictures and I was like, “Dear God, she’s beautiful.” Then out of nowhere, nagcomment ako ng kung ano-ano dun sa album na ‘yun. Then I even mentioned her on one of my comments, and that was me being “pilyo.” Then after approximately 9 minutes (Yes, it’s kind of accurate:P) she said that why am I calling her “Ate,” eh mas matanda ako sa kanya. (Oo nga naman!) Then after some more comments, kinumusta niya ulit ‘yung drawing, and ofcourse, my response was “Great things takes time.” Gustong gusto ko lang talaga ‘yung quote na ‘yun, and kelangan naman talaga pinaglalaanan ng oras ang ganyang mga bagay. And out of nowhere, my cousin said na, “sakin mo ipacheck ahh.. ahaaha!” And I was like “Hm, may kasunduan kameng siya muna makakakita eh. XD” Then she said “Sorry, best. :))” (Oha sabi sa inyo eh, formal siya magchat/comment. ^_^) For some reason, that kindof made me feel like we’re getting closer, well not really close, but kind of getting past the “strangers” phase. Then after that, tinuloy ko na ‘yung drawing ko sa kanya. I really enjoyed it, it was fun drawing a certain special someone. At exactly April 24, @ 1:41am nabigay ko na sa kanya ‘yung link ng drawing ko, and she thanked me, (I don’t know why, honestly.) and said it was pretty. Ofcourse it needed to be pretty, pretty ‘yung drinawing eh ;) I also told her na gagawin ko munang DP ‘yun and she approved. I’m happy by this time, I think nagiging friends na kame.
*Later that day….*
Online ako, online siya. And andun nanaman ako sa “nahihirapan simulan” na part ng aking binata life. Mahirap talaga makaisip ng sasabihin na hindi ka magmumukang weird. XD So I just thought, anong common sa amin? Si Renz. I asked her kung sino ba mas matanda sa kanila ni Renz? I really had no idea. And the conversation went well, pero andun pa rin ‘yung mga times na, parang feeling ko I’m thinking too much, na baka maubusan ako ng sasabihin, na baka amboring ko kachat. At bute nalang natanong niya ko kung saang local ba ako, that made me realize another thing common to both of us, religion. And nagulat din ako at tanda pa niya ‘yung last time na huli niya akong nakita, and what really shocked the living soul of out me body was, I can’t really remember it that time! So yeah, confusion almost overwhelms me. Then the conversation went really well, nasa mood ata siya ‘nun, she seemed interested too. May mga tao kasing kapag chinat mo, talagang mararamdaman mong ayaw ka niyang ka-chat or naboboringan siya sayo, and Thank God na hindi naman siya ganun. Then the convo went to the time na nasa choir pa ako, tapos napunta sa kung may tungkulin na ba siya, saan na siya nakatira, basically, I wanted to know her. After some time, hindi naman pala ganun kahirap, hindi na ko nauubusan ng sasabihin, tsaka I think bumebenta naman ‘yung mga korni kong jokes at mabait talaga siya ka-chat. Then sinabe nanaman niyang kamuka ko daw si Renz. And kahit gano ko isipin, for me, hindi talaga. Then mr. conversation went to studies, tinanong ko siya kung anong course ang tatahakin niya, ‘yun agad naisip ko kasi ayun ang pinroblema ko nung 4th year ako eh. And she said medicine, and at this point, I learned na, hindi siya takot sa dugo (I am.) and she loves horror movies (I do, but at the same time don’t.) And magpapakamatay siya kapag nakakita siya ng multo.
Tapos may sinabe siyang nagspark ng curiosity ko, tinanong niya ako kung may sinasabe daw ba sa’kin si Insan, sabi ko wala naman. And ‘yung mga next niyang nireply ang nagpa curious talaga sa akin. I can really feel whenever there’s something weird. Soo, dahil super curious na ko at this point, I told her na huhulaan ko nalang. Then sinimulan ko dun sa part na kinalabit ko siya noon, kung nailang siya dahil baka akala niya pinagtitripan siya noon. Then I switched strategies, Pinoy Henyo style naman! Then nalaman ko ngang tungkol sa kanya ito, at may isang taong involved. I asked her kung pwede ko ba malaman kung sino ‘yung isa pang involved, and she refused with a big “NOOOO.” So, what’s on my mind by that time was, siguro kaclose ko noon, or ako. So inisa-isa ko mga tropa ko noon, sina MakMak, Paolo, Renz, Reynald, at kung sino sino pa. Lahat sila, No. Ang sagot niya, this made me nervous but somewhat excited at the same time. I knew it has something to do with me. Then after gathering all my inner strength I asked her if it was me, and magnificently, she said yes. Then what came back to me was her feelings nung nangyari ‘yun, she said she was Emotionless. Siyempre nag-isip ako kung ano ba ‘yung makakapag paramdam sa atin ng ganun. It. Was. Hard. Pero Masaya kasi ka-chat ko siya kahit papano :P I asked kung galit, inis, or kinamuhian. Kasi una kong naisip baka nainis siya ‘nung kinalabit ko siya noon. Thank God naman na hindi naman siguro. Then naisip ko, what if may crush siya sa’kin? Then after praying to the Greek Gods, and gathering all the strength left in my mortal body, I asked her, “Hmm.. crush??? XD” Then her reply was “…………………………………………………” Kinabahan talaga ko sa reply niya, malay ko ba ‘kung nagalit siya kasi ang kapal ng muka ko? Lolz. Then I decided na sabihin sa kanya na may crush ako sa kanya noon. Then she said, siya naman daw. Kabadudes ako ‘nun! Pero semi-excited din, feeling ko kasi the feeling “was” mutual. Then there it was, I stared at what she said, hindi talaga ako makapaniwala ‘dun . Here it is:
“Nung mang-aawit pa ‘ko, naging crush kita. Kasi gan’to yun.. Parang nakita lang kita sa dream ko one night, tas pagka-gising ko naalala kita. Tas yun, crush na kita dahil dun? =))) ANG WEIRD ‘NO? :)))”
Yes, kinikilig na ko ‘nun. And yes again, on my part, it made us an inch closer. The conversation was fairly long, mostly pinag-usapan na naming dun ay si Renz. The he-loves-her-more-than-bestfriend part and ‘yung prinint screen ko ‘yung interesting conversation naming ni Insan. And that’s when my “Untitled Album” was created. It was created for the sole purpose of being a secret, kaya I won’t get into details. Then out of nowhere, she asked me bakit daw hindi ako nagpopost ng picture ko? As usual, I told her the most correct answer, “ganun talaga kapag pangit.” And I asked her if she really wanted to see one of me photos, and she said yes, kaya ako, naghanap naman but failure. Malinis talaga ang FB ko eh, wala akong pictures sa profile ko. Anonymity reason I guess, I wanted to be Anonymous. Kaya ayun, I just took a picture of me, and yep, it’s HARD. ‘Nun ko lang narealize, mahirap pala magpicture, lalo na kapag pangit:)) As in hindi ko alam kung magpopose ba, or whatever. Kaya what I did? Mag-pacute. And I think I failed, because nung pinakita ko ‘dun sa bespren ko, as usual, tinawanan lang:)) Then ayun nga, pinakita ko sa kanya, and her response? Magkamuka daw talaga kame ni Insan. I was like o_O lolz, maybe hindi ko lang talaga makita kung pano kame naging magkamuka. And she added, mas muka lang akong mature. At hindi ko alam kung dapat ba ko matuwa na muka akong mature o muka akong matanda? Lolz.
Then I steered the conversation towards past love life. She had 3 non-INC ex-boyfriends and 1 INC ex-boyfriend na kamakaylan ko lang nalaman kung sino:)) Tapos siyempre nakwento ko din ‘yung una kong naging girlfriend, na hindi naman maganda ang naging ending, but at least, we’re still friends:)) Tapos after those past love life, sabi ko na buburahin ko na ‘yung album. Kasi I really think it shouldn’t be there, kahit na siya lang nakakakita, nakakahiya kasi ‘yung photo:)) lolz. I told her na I’m not responsible kapag nasira ang server ng facebook dahil sa picture ko. And to my glory, she kept on defending her answer na wag ko daw burahin. Then I kept on telling her how ugly that picture was, and she was like, “Grabe talaga oh. May itsura ka naman eh.” Then, “Grabe talaga oh. May itsura ka naman eh.” And for the finale, “Pogi kayaaaa.” At this point, my face was really red, and “medyo”maputi ako kaya imagine that. It’s really weird. My kilig level was too much to bear, hindi na kinayang idaan sa ngiti, kinaylangan nang mamula. Then that was it, after some more goodbyes and goodnights. That was the end of our long, lovely, at nakakakilig na conversation.
Before I start the next part, I just wanted to let you know, that upon writing this, I really miss you, and of course, mahirap iwasang hindi maging emotional. So here it goes:
After that night, April 24, hindi na kami masyadong nagkachat ulit, naging ganun ulit, online siya, online ako, kaso wala talaga ako maisip by that time. Then one night, I ran out of things to draw, kaya punta ako sa profile pictures niya, then I saw this one picture, it’s really beautiful (all of them are.) So, I started drawing it, kahit na hindi pa ko nagpapaalam. I make it a habit of mine na magpaalam muna sa may ari ng picture bago ko idrawing. And as usual, inaabot ako ng umaga kapag nagdadrawing ako, kaya nung nagleft na ko ng message sa kanyang FB para mag paalam, mga 4:30am na ‘yun. I also told her na I really enjoy it kapag siya dinadrawing ko. Then after that, I went to bed na. Pero kapag ganung mga oras, hindi agad ako nakakatulog, usually I’m just staring at our ceiling. Tapos inaalala ko ‘nung nalaman kong parehas pala naming crush ang isa’t-isa. Yes, guilty akong kinikilig talaga ako kapag naiisip ko ‘yun. XD
Maaga ako nagising ‘nun, kasi as usual, may pinapabili sa akin sa hardware. After that, nag-online na ako, then I saw her reply, thanking me, and she also said “You’re free to draw any picture of me, so don’t worry I’m not mad ;)” So I thanked her, ambait niya kasi, hindi lahat papayag na idrawing sila ng creepy guy na tulad ko. Then nagulat nalang ako nagreply agad siya, she asked me kung nanghihingi daw ba ko ng chicks kay Insan. Yep, guilty ako ‘dun. Lolz. Pero pabiro lang naman ‘yun, sabi ko kay insan na Iglesia naman ang gusto ko, para hindi ako nakokonsensya:)) Tapos nagbigay naman si insan. Tinanong niya (girl) kung tiningnan ko ba daw ‘yung binigay sakin? Yes, ofcourse, pero hindi ko type eh. Ako ‘yung panget na tao, pero choosy sa babae, arte noh? XD She asked me bakit daw hindi ko type? Sabi ko, choosy ako, at gusto ko mas maputi sakin. She asked me kung gusto ko daw bang siya magbigay ng chicks sa akin? I thought, why not? Kaya pumayag ako, she gave me a name, sinearch ko sa FB, only to find out na ka-schoolmate ko pala. Pero hindi ka batch, mas matanda ako ng 1 year. I told her na pretty ‘yung girl, pero walang nagspark eh. Sabi niya, “Kailangan talaga spark? :))” “Haha syempre naman. ‘Yun yung special dun e. :))” I responded. Tapos tinanong niya kung pano daw malalaman ‘kung may spark? Sabi ko, “Depende. w8 tgnan ko lang pic mo pra mag spark ulit:))” Hindi ko din ma-describe ‘yung spark na ‘yun, pero kapag nakakakita ko ng picture na may spark, (lol) matutulala lang ako dun sa picture na ‘yun. Alam mo ‘yung feeling na kapag tinignan mo ‘yung mata nung nasa picture, parang biglang maglalayag ‘yung isip mo? Ganun na ganun ‘yung na-feel ko nung nakita ko ‘yung isa niyang picture. In short, I got lost in her eyes.After that kinumusta ko si Insan sa kanya, tinanong ko kung nagdadrama pa rin. Oo daw, tinatanong daw siya kung ano pwede niyang gawin para magustuhan niya siya. And one thing I love about her is that, she’s straightforward and honest. Kapag ayaw niya sasabihin niya, in short, hindi siya paasa. Madami kasing mga girls ngayon na paasa, meron ‘ding magpaparamdam lang kapag may kelangan siya sa’yo, and she’s neither. I also asked her if she knew how to speak/write Taiwanese, sabi niya onting mandarin lang daw ang alam niya. Kaya sabi ko sample naman diyan, she said, “Wo shi huan ni. :D :))” I told yer “Haya!! Ya!!” yep I was kidding, pero hindi umeepek sa kanya ‘yung mga ganung jokes :)) Syempre tinanong ko kung ano meaning nun, “Secret. :))))” And my curiosity strikes me again, bakit niya ise-secret eh nagtanong lang naman ako ng sample? Hmm, interesting… Kaya I used google translate, but it failed! Sabi ni google, Filipino daw ‘yung tinatranslate ko, bawal pala mag translate ng ganun, dapat Chinese characters. She’s really clever, giving me a phonetic example para hindi ko matranslate, clever. Tapos she even told me the translation of I love you sa mandarin, pero ayaw niya talaga sabihin ‘yung meaning ng wo shi huan ni. Pero nagbigay naman siya ng clue, Wo = I, Ni = You. So it’s I ___ you. Syempre hinulaan ko na, at ako, kapag nanghuhula ako, sinisimulan ko sa negatives, tapos positives. Sinimulan ko sa, “I kill you.” “I eat you.” “I hate you.” “I resent you.” Yes, I know it’s absurd and somewhat weird. Ang lalayo daw ng hula ko, then nagbigay siya ng VERY INTRUIGING na clue. Sabi niya, “I-google translate mo yung like, tapos tignan mo kung pareho dito: 使喚 :)”What really intrigued me is, why did she asked me to translate the word like? Can it be? :”> She even gave me her Chinese translated name, which was 林佳珍. “林 = Lin 佳 = Jia 珍 = Zhen” Nitong mga oras na ‘to, I really like her na, she just keeps on amusing me. Kaya gumawa ako ng sentence gamit ang google translate, and that sentence was, “我喜欢你林佳珍”and she said naintindihan daw niya ‘yung sentence, it means I like you Lin Jia Zhen. Ang galing niya talaga. I really really like her at this point. Then binalik ko ‘yung conversation dun sa wo shi huan ni, I asked her kung ano meaning nun. Sabi niya hindi daw siya sure sa spelling, kaya nag google ako, and shit, kinikilig talaga ako nito, kasi may lumabas na wo xi huan ni, it means I like you. Kaya tinanong ko kung kapareho ba ‘yun nung wo shi huan ni niya, and she said yes. :””> Siyempre, kulay pula nanaman ako ng mga oras na ‘yun. Sabi niya ang bilis ko naman daw nahulaan, nakakahiya daw. Edi tinanong ko siya:
“Para sa akin ba ‘yun? Akala ko example lang.”
“Eh ‘yung sentence na ginawa mo, sample lang ba?”
“Hmm, answering a question with a question. Nope. Eh ‘yung sa’yo?”
“Isesecret ko ba ‘yun kung sample lang?”
Then I told her my feelings, na lagi akong kinikilig kapag kachat siya. She asked me, bakit daw ako kinikilig, ofcourse, the reason was her, I even told her na “once in a blue moon” lang ako kiligin, which was really true. Then for some reason, nagloko ‘yung phone niya, KJ ‘yung phone niya noh? Pero astig din eh, pwede mag internet dun. Kaya she gave me her number nalang, dito na nagsimula ‘yung magkatext kame. And I tell you, halatadong naiinlove na ko sa kanya at this point, madami kami pinag-usapan, nagka aminan din kami na we like each other. Naalala ko pa, sabi ko nun.
“Sino ‘ba ‘yung crush mo?”
“’Yung once in a blue moon lang kiligin.”
Yes, I was really happy that time, happier than I’ve ever been in a long time. Naalala ko pa ‘nung nagpaalam ako sa kanya ‘nun, kasi may kelangan pa ‘kong gawin ‘nun eh, I said my goodbyes with a “wo xi huan ni” at the end, and she replied with “wo xi huan ni too.” Ang cheesy noh? :”> Nakakakilig, sabi ko sa sarili ko, sana kung panaginip lang ‘to, wag na ko magising. Mas pipiliin ko pang ma-comatose basta ba ganto ang panaginip ko. Later that night magkatext parin kame, ofcourse kinikilig ako, pati naman daw siya, sabi pa niya, nagtataka daw ‘yung pinsan niya kung bakit siya nakangiti, well I won’t deny it, ganun din ako. I just can’t take the smile out of my face, nakakatuwa talaga ‘yung feeling na ‘yun. Sana kahit minsan maramdaman ko ulit ‘yun. Erase that emoness. Lolz. Nung gabing ‘yun, may 10 mins call ako, thanks to globe immortaltrio, and I thought, why not call her? ‘Nun ko lang narealize na wala akong idea kung ano tunog ng boses niya. So I told her na tatawag ako, and man, it really made me nervous while being excited at the same time. Muntik na nga din akong umayaw na tawagan siya eh, pero nalagpasan ko naman. Ayun tinawagan ko siya.
Me: “Hello.”
Her: “Hello?” (with a really cute voice. as in.)
*Hindi ko na sasabihin ‘yung iba, pero siguro one thing, 10mins akong nakangiti at kinikilig. Siyempre may aftershock pa ‘yun, grabe talaga ‘yung boses niya. Angelic voice, promise.*
Me: “Ano gusto mo paglaki mo?”
Her: “Maging Doctor.”
Me: “Ako, gusto ko paglaki ko, maging sa’yo.”
Both: :”> [I think. :))]
‘Yun na siguro ‘yung moment na talagang kinilig ako ng sobra sobra, habang kausap ko siya, I was walking circles inside my room, smiling like I just won the lotto. That’s one of the greatest moments of my life. I remember one pick up line she told me.
“I love reading the MENU.”
“Bakit?”
“Because it has Me N U”
Simple lang, pero nakakakilig talaga, kasi galing sa kanya eh. Napa-alala din niya sa’kin ‘yung socializing na last niya daw ako nakita. ‘Yung ginanap pala ‘dun sa covered court ‘yun, sa may lambak. I remember being there, but I can’t remember seeing her. I’m disappointed at myself lolz. After nung call, she asked me kung kelan daw kaya kami magkikita ulit. And I think that’s the time na napagkasunduan naming na magkita after niya magbantay sa SKP. I’m really happy, and now super nervous, I’m really scared nab aka ma-disappoint siya kapag nakita niya ako. Lolz. And that’s about that, that night was really special. April 28, you’ve been so good to me. Thanks.
Kinabukasan…… April 29, 2012
Eto ‘yung araw na super excited na ko, kasi magkikita kami kinabukasan. Magkatext kame ng umaga, tapos nag online ako ‘nung mga 5:30pm kasi hindi na siya nagreply. Sakto online din siya, and she’s the first one to start the conversation, she told me na pinatay daw niya ‘yung phone niya kasi it overheated while she was charging it, sooo yeah, nagchat nalang kame. I told her na tatawagan ko ulit siya mamaya, kasi unli call ako, Masaya naman siya, sabi pa niya, “Super unli? YEHEYY.” Knowing na gusto niyang tinatawagan ko siya, masaya ‘yun para sa’kin. Then natanong ko sa kanya ‘yung pinapatranslate niya sa akin na Wo De Ai, tinanong ko kung ano ba ‘yun and our conversation went somehow like this.
“Btw ano meaning nung wo de ai ba ‘yun? ‘Yung pinapatignan mo sken.”
“My love ata eh, di ko sure.”
“Para sa’kin ba ‘yun? Joke. :) “
“Tama nga akooo. Kaka-check ko lang. Traditional o simplified ba gamit mo?”
“Simplified ata.”
“Dapat traditional.”
“Ano ulit meaning ‘nun? XD”
“Ng ano?”
“Wo de ai.”
“My love.”
“Ako? :))”
“我的心是你的 :)))))” ß( translates to: My heart is yours. )
“Waaa, ang haba!”
“4 words lang ‘yan!”
“Anu meaning niyan? Ayoko muna magtranslator, huhulaan ko.”
“Translate mo!”
“CLUE!!”
“I-translate mo na!!”
“OHMAGAAAAD!!!!” ß Kinikilig.
“WAIT!! =))) Honestly, di pa naman love. I really like you palang. :)” ß I really love this line.
Yep, as you guessed it, kinikilig nanaman ako at namumula. I mean, sino bang hindi kikiligin’ sa sweetness niya? And that’s one of the things I really liked about her, she’s really sweet. Kayang kaya niya ko pakiligin anytime. After that, I asked her kung alam ba niya ‘yung kantang Slow ng Freestyle, she said no, tapos sabi ko sa kanya kantahin ko sa kanya ‘yun bukas. Payag naman siya, sabi ko pa dapat siya din, tutal pareho naman kaming mang-aawit noon. And I really think na super galing kumanta niya, judging from her voice on the phone, nakaka-inlove kaya.
If I remember it correctly, eto rin ‘yung gabing nalaman ‘kong may iba pa palang pinagsabihan si insan na may crush sa’kin dati ‘yung girl. At ‘yun ay si Tonton, bute na nga lang si tonton eh, madali kausap ‘yun kasi bestfriend ko ‘yun. Atleast na siguro ko kay girl na hindi na kakalat ‘yun, hindi naman madaldal si tonton eh. Dito ko din nalaman ‘yung kantang Honestly by Hot chelle rae, honestly, hindi ko siya naappreciate nung una, until….. Mamaya ko na ikekwento. Inappropriate eh, masisira ang mood. Lolz. Nalaman ko nga pala ‘yung kanta dahil ‘yun ang favorite niya, our convo went somewhat like this:
“Fave mong kanta nga pala?”
“Honestly by Hot Chelle Rae.”
“Di ko alam ‘yung song, pakinggan ko mamaya.”
“Ano sayo?”
“Hmm, fave na kanta ko… Anung genre ba? Andami kasi eh.”
“Pili ka lang ng isa. Marami din akong favorite eh.”
“Hmmmm…. Siyempre ikaw parin pipiliin ko. :”> “
“Seryoso na kasi :))”
“haha seryoso naman ako sa’yo ah? :”> “
“Ay grabe talagang gusto mo ‘kong magmukang baliw sa kakangiti dito :)) :”””””> ”
“Okay lang ‘yun. Wala namang masama dun eh. Kahit naman baliw ka pa, gusto pa rin kita.”
“AY GRABEEE :””””> “ ß I really like it when she says that:)
Then she gave me the weird scary looking manga thingie, bute nalang nakita ko na dati ‘yun. Then….
“Natakot ka?”
“Hindi ah, isa lang naman kinatatakutan ko eh.”
“Ano?”
“Mawala ka.”
“Ay wehhh. :)) Ayaw mo talagang mawala kilig ko eh ‘no? :”> “
“Para hanggang bukas na yan ^_^”
“Feeling ko nga di lang hanggang bukas eh.”
“Pwede naman araw-arawin eh.”
“Ikaw talagaaaa.”
Later that night nung katext ko siya, napagkasunduan naming tatawag ako after PBB. And guess what? After PBB, siyempre tumawag ako, then nagulat ako sa sinabe niya, kausap daw niya ‘yung insan ko. Mag conference call nalang daw kame, nasagot niya kasi akala niya ako. Medyo kinabahan ako ‘nun, inisip ko kung ano kaya magiging reaksyon ni insan. So nung napag join na niya ‘yung calls, out of nowhere, nagboses babae ako. Yes, it was hard. I don’t even know why I did it in the first place. Kaya
‘yun, hinold muna ni Girl ‘yung call, tapos kinausap niya ako, asked me why nagboses babae ako, at kung ayaw ko daw malaman ni insan na kausap ko siya. I can’t remember what I answered lolz. Then it was that time na, naging Angel ang pangalan ko. Ganda ng name noh? :D Panget naman ng boses :)) ‘Nung una I thought I was doing fine, until pumiyok ako. Yes, it sucked. I think ‘yun ‘yung nakasira ng disguise ko noon eh, and in some point in that call, I did something that made the girl laugh. I mean, laugh talaga. Siyempre sumaya ‘din ako nun. Nakakatuwa din ‘yung tawa niya. Pero while I’m writing this, narealize ko na parang ako pala may kasalanan kung bakit sila mag-kaaway ni insan. Jeez, I was too naïve. Dapat pala hindi na ko nagboses babae. T_T After that call matutulog na ko, tapos magkatext pa kame saglit. Naalala ko pa ‘yung text niya ‘nun, “Sure! :) I’d do anything just to make you happy. :)” Sana nga, sana nga.
Nauna siyang nagising sa akin, pagkagising ko may goodmorning message na siya eh, nauna siya umalis, kasi pupunta pa siya dun sa may kapilya para magbantay sa SKP. I don’t know if I really should say this but pagkabangon ko, gusto ‘kong kumain, pero wala akong gana. Then I realized, eto ba ‘yung butterflies in the stomach na tinatawag? First time ko lang ‘to maramdaman, noon, kahit na ‘nung mga times na nakikipagkita ako kay ano, hindi naman ako nakaramdam ng ganto. Hm, I really don’t know. Hindi ako nagkuripot nung papunta sa LRT, nag FX pa ko! Ayoko naman kasing makita niya ‘kong pawisan. Normally kasi, sasabit lang ako sa jeep, ganun ako araw araw kapag papasok eh. Mura na, may thrill pa! At minsan, libre pa! XD Pagkadating ko ‘dun, tinext ko na siya na andun na ko, medyo kabado ako, baka kasi makita ako ni insan. At ayun na nga, nakita ko na si Girl, and I was like :O But deep inside it’s like, “OHMAAAAAGAAAAAAAAADDD!!!! IS THIS THE REAL LIFE? IS THIS JUST FANTASY??!” Yes, ganun siya ka ganda sa personal. I was speechless, super, as in super, ganda niya.
Nung nakalapit na siya, we just smiled, tapos pumunta na kame ng SM via tricycle. Ako naman, sa tricycle, nakangiti pa rin, tinitignan tignan ko siya dun sa salamin ng tricyle, and God, she’s really beautiful. Pati ‘nung naglakad kame sa napakainit na daan papuntang SM, parang wala lang sa akin ‘yung init, hindi ko napansin ‘yun, kasi sa kanya lang talaga nakatuon ‘yung atensyon ko ‘nun. ‘Nung mga oras na ‘yun, wala talaga akong plan kung ano gagawin namin, gusto ko lang i-enjoy ‘yung moment na kasama ko siya. So pagpasok namin, dumeretso kame ‘dun sa taas, tapos naupo kami dun sa parang bilog na upuan dun. We talked for a bit, pero nung medyo nagiging tahimik na, medyo nagkakahiyaan pa kasi kame eh, oo nga’t close na kame, thru chat at text palang naman, iba pa rin talaga ‘yung personal ;) Ayun pumunta na nga kami sa Quantum, kasi inaya ko siya kumanta, para naman may gawin kaming katuwa tuwa. Una, I bought 2 tokens, kasi balak talaga namin tag isa lang kami ng kakantahin, eh may minimum pala na 5 songs. Kaya bumili pa ko, at sumobra pa nga ng isang token, 7 ‘yung hawak namin eh, may promo ata for 20petot you’ll get 5 tokens instead of 4. So ‘yun, namili siya ng room, napili niya ‘yung #3 na kulay blue ang paint, yes, I’ll always remember that room haha. Namili na kami ng kanta dun sa makapal na songbook na hindi naman maayos ang pagkakasunod sunod. Honestly, Aubrey lng talaga ‘yung planado kong kantahin ‘nun, Ilang gabi ko nang pinapakinggan ‘yun eh. Hindi pa kame close pinapakinggan ko na siya, tapos kapag kinakanta ko siya, parati kong pinapalitan ng Avery, ‘yung Aubrey. Naghanap ako ng mga kantang makakapag-express ng nararamdaman ko by that time, tsaka para mas madali kantahin, kasi galing sa puso, at sincere ung pagkakakanta ko. So ayun nga, nakaupo na kami ‘dun sa loob, medyo kinakabahan ako, pero kaya naman, confidence lang kahit na pangit talaga boses, nasa isip ko talaga ‘nun, okay lang kahit pangit ‘yung boses basta masabi ko thru the songs ‘yung nararamdaman ko. 6 songs kasi, tag tatlo kame, hindi salitan, 1,2,3 sakin, 4,5,6 sa kanya. Kaya pressure sa lalamunan :))
1st song: Aubrey by Bread
“And Avery was her name, I never knew her but I loved her just the same. I loved her name. Wishthat I had found the way and the reasons that would make her stay.”
2nd song: It might be you by Stephen Bishop
“Something’s telling me it might be you. Yeah it’s telling me it might you. All of my life. Maybe it’syou, I’ve been waiting for all of my life.”
3rd song: Is it okay if I call you mine by Paul McCartney
“It sets of something in me I can’t explain. And I can’t wait to see you again.”
4th song: Back at one by Brian Mcknight
5th song: Cry by Mandy Moore
6th song: Beautiful soul by Jesse McCartney
Maybe now you’re confused, bakit ‘yung unang tatlo may mga lyrics, at ‘yung mga nahuli wala na? Simple lang, ‘yung mga nilagay ‘kong lyrics, ‘yun ung parang may meaning talaga sa akin. And while I’m writing this, I can’t help myself; it’s kind of making me emotional :) I really miss the girl eh.
I also need to point out na medyo nakatulong ‘yung ubod ng lakas na sounds doon, ang lakas talaga, mahirap marinig ‘yung kumakanta, and it somehow helped me lolz. Siya okay naman eh, medyo naririnig ko, and she’s a really good singer. After that, bumaba na kami at nagtungo sa KFC. Siya pumili kung saan, ako kasi medyo may epekto pa ‘yung “butterfly” thingie kaya medyo wala pakong gana, pero gusto ko nang kumain. Onti lang tao sa KFC ‘nun, maaga pa kasi, mga 11:30 palang ata ‘nun, so pumila kame, she picked a 1pc chicken with rice and fries-with-some-cheese on top dessert. Ako naman, antagal ‘kong pumili, wala pa kasi akong gana, kaya parang ang boring nung mga pagkain para sa akin, kaya I just went with a burger, that didn’t tasted that well, tsaka ung fun shots. I regret not going for the spicy one tho, the fun shots was really boring to eat, walang thrill. Lolz. ‘Yun, dinala ko na ‘yung food dun sa inuupuan niya, may number pa nga ako eh, kasi wala pa ‘yung burger, #14, so yeah. First thing I noticed right when she grabbed her spoon and fork was, she was a lefty. And by far, siya ‘yung first ‘kong nagustuhan na kaliwete, siya din ‘yung first na ka-religion ko. Napansin ko ‘ding ang galing niya kumain, maayos tignan, tsaka hindi makalat. ‘Yun ang pinakagusto kong matutunan eh, makalat kasi ako kumain. Tsaka ang galing niya gumamit ng spoon at fork sa manok, naku kung ako ‘yun hindi ko talaga siya makakain ng hindi ko kakamayin. Kaya nga tinanong ko siya kung bakit ganun siya kumain, sabi niya, nahihiya daw kasi siya sa’kin, sabi ko, bahala ka, hindi mo mararanasan ‘to, while pointing at the tissue na may nakasulat na Finger lickin’ good. Tapos medyo nagkwentuhan naman kame, pero pinakagusto kong part ‘dun sa KFC ay ‘yung sa salamin. Dun kasi sa pinuwestohan niya, sa may gilid, may salamin, pareho kame nakaharap dun sa salamin, tapos while nag-uusap kame, sabi ko sa kanya, hindi naman talaga siya mukang mataray. Kakilala niya daw kasi ako, tapos pinakita niya sa akin ‘yung itsura niya kapag hindi niya kakilala ‘yung tao. Nung una medyo natatawa siya, kasi natutuwa ako kasi kahit anong pose niya, ang ganda pa rin niya! Tapos nung nagseryoso ‘yung mukha niya, nagmuka lang siyang mature para sa akin, pero hindi naman mukang mataray, but most of all, still very beautiful. ‘Nung una hindi niya magawa ‘yung serious na face niya, kasi natatawa daw siya kasi nakangiti ako sa kanya. Sino ‘bang hindi matutuwa sa kanya? Ang kulit niya kayang kasama, ang saya talaga ‘nung araw na ‘yun. Tapos may pinapatranslate ulit siya ‘nung araw na ‘yun, “xin’zang” ‘nun ko ‘din nalaman ‘kung pano niya ginagawa ‘yun sa phone niya, eh ang ganda pala ng cellphone niya eh, muntik na matunaw sa hiya ‘yung phone ko. Lolz. After that she noticed na late na, nagtext na si Mama niya, kaya dali dali na kami umalis, tapos medyo nagrehearse pa kame ng excuse kung sakaling makita kami ng Mama niya. Tapos okay naman, nakalabas kame ng SM ng maayos kaso napakainit pagkalabas, pero as usual, go lang. Napansin ko din hindi siya maarte, hindi siya mareklamo, kasi normally kapag ganun ka init, sasabihin ng babae, “Ang init naman!” Eh sa kanya? Wala akong narinig na kahit anong reklamo, maybe nahihiya lang siya sa akin, or ganun lang talaga siya, either way, I still like her very much.
Madami pa kami pinag-usapan on the way, nasa plano ko na talagang ihatid siya sa kanila, kasi sa M.A. Roxas ‘yung bahay nila eh, malapit lang sa school, ayoko naman siyang iwan kasi ang daming loko lokong gangster ‘dun eh, mamaya mapano pa siya. ‘Nung una ayaw niya talagang ihatid ko siya, kasi baka daw makita kami ni insan, dun daw kasi ‘yung daan ‘nun. But I’m really stubborn when it comes to that, kaya ‘yun I still end up walking with her, malapit lang naman eh. Tapos ‘yun, dumating na kami dun sa bahay na tinutuluyan niya ‘dun, and honestly, ayoko pang umalis, gusto ko pa sana makasama siya, 2 hours lang kasi, pero I just looked at it like, swerte ko na nga ‘yun eh, I mean, an ordinary guy like me had the chance to go out with such an amazing girl! Kaya ‘yun, umalis na ko, tapos medyo kinakabahan din ako na baka makasalubong ko si insan while walking, kaya nag-isip na ko ng excuses, and fortunately hindi ko naman siya nakasalubong. Tinext ko si Girl ‘nung pasakay na ako na itetext ko siya mamaya and I already miss her, and she said the same, na miss na niya din ako. Mali ‘yung ginawa ko, nagmuka tuloy akong baliw sa jeep, kakangiti, as in, tapos namumula pa ko for sure. Pero okay lang naman ‘yun sa akin, atleast diba, kinikilig ako, dahil sa kanya. Ang iniisip ko ‘nun, sana lang talaga, wag na matapos ‘tong panaginip na ‘to, unti-unti na kasi akong napapamahal sa kanya eh.
Pagkadating ko sa bahay, una nilang na notice sa akin, nakangiti akong parang baliw, tsaka akala nila ‘yung pamumula ko ay dahil lang sa init, medyo maputi ako kaya madali ako mamula, lalo na kapag kinikilig. Tapos magkatext pa kame, kapag nagkakatext kame nagsasabihan pa kame ng “I really like you.” Kaya talagang nakakakilig eh. At tinatanong niya ‘kung ikekwento ko ba sa kanila, kasi tinatanong ‘din ako nila kung san daw ako galing at sino daw kasama ko. Nginingitian ko lang sila, payag naman si Girl na ikwento ko eh, tinatanong pa niya ‘kung kilala ba daw nila siya. Kilala ata siya ng Ate ko, kasi nagcomment ‘yun dun sa drawing ko eh, akala niya kasi GF ko si Girl, kaya sabi niya dalin ko daw sa bahay lolz. But to think of it, it’s kinda good na hindi ko nalang kinwento sa kanila, kasi iintrigahin lang nila ko ngayon. Kasi nga di ba……
Later that day, online kami, and dito ako simulang naadik dun sa omgpop, siya nag-introduce sa akin ‘nun, well nilalaro laro ko siya minsan kapag bored ako, pero hindi na masyado ngayon, kasi naaalala ko lang siya eh. Magaling siya magdrawing gamit ang mouse, unlike me lolz, I can’t even draw a horse. Nasabi ‘din niya this time na magiging busy daw siya for the following days, hanggang May 30 daw siguro, kasi nga may review na siya for college exams. Sabi ko naman okay lang ‘yun noh, ilang araw lang naman eh, but honestly, deep inside me, alam kong mamimiss ko siya, pero wala naman akong magagawa, kasi importante naman talaga ‘yung gagawin niya. Tapos later that night, unlicall ako, siyempre magkausap kame sa phone, and I really regret this moment, tahimik kasi ako nito, kasi natutulog ‘yung kuya ko, tapos siya naman kumakanta. I really like her voice, ngayon nga, sa ‘twing naririnig ko ‘yung Porque na kanta, naririnig ko ulit ‘yung pagkanta niya. Minsan nga, bigla nalang ako matutulala, tapos mamaya teary-eyed na ko, kunwari nalang hihikab ako para hindi nila mapansin. Namimiss ko kasi siya eh. Kinabukasan, naglaro lang ulit kami sa omgpop nung Aim For the Nuts, at Draw My Thing, and honestly, hindi ako mage enjoy dito kung hindi ko siya kasama.Kinagabihan ‘nun, magkatext kame, galing siya sa mall with her Mom, shoe hunting daw. Naisip ko, when did I ever went to the mall with me family? Hindi ko na maalala. So, aun, after nun pumunta naman sila sa SM Masinag for dinner, and honestly, I’m like, ang galing naman ng family niya. And after that, pagkauwi niya nagtext na siya, tapos may sinabe pa kong last words kasi wala na kong load at sarado na ang tindahan, eto ‘yun “Wǒ de xīn zhǐ wèi nǐ tiàodòng.” Hindi ko nasabi sa kanya ‘yung meaning ‘nun kasi wala na talaga akong load, pero tinext ko naman siya sa chikka, hindi ko lang alam kung narecieve niya kasi hindi naman siya nagreply. It seemed weird to me, pero hindi ko nalang pinansin, baka natulog nalang siya kasi andami niyang ginawa eh.
Kinabukasan, May 2, wala na kaming communication, I left her a message on FB, I said “我想念你想瘋了林佳珍” which basically means I miss you like crazy, Lin Jiazhen. Wala, wala siyang reply, wala siyang text, I text her pagkagising at bago ako matulog. Dito palang, feeling ko there’s something wrong. Sumamba ako sa Calumpang ‘nung May 3, hoping na makikita ko siya, and tadhana nga naman, hindi daw siya nakasamba. Ayun ‘yung last ko siyang makatext ng ganun, and yes, there’s really something wrong. Tapos May 4-6 wala pa rin, ang hirap pala ng ganun noh? ‘Yung miss mo ‘yung isang tao, you were really close, tapos bigla nalang ganun. Inisip ko nalang baka focused lang talaga siya sa pagrereview niya. Tapos ‘nung May 7, tinext ko siya, kinakamusta ko lang, kasi miss na miss ko na siya. It went like this:
“Avery, kamusta ka na? Ayoko talagang walang ginagawa, kasi naaalala kita :)) sorry sa abala. :)”
“Sorry, Reggie. Can we stop this na? Kaka-turn down ko lang ulit kay Renz eh, ayoko namang hintayin na malaman niya at lalo lang siyang masaktan. Gusto ko magmove on na siya eh.”
“Hmm. What do you mean by stop this? Hindi na kita pwede itxt? Just like dati nalang ulit tau?”
*she didn’t replied*
“I guess that means yes, Oh well, I knew it was too good to be true. Pero thank you na din nung nagkita tau. Hindi ko ‘yun malilimutan, lalo na ‘yung pagseseryosong muka mo dun sa KFC, lagi kong inaalala ‘yun eh. Lalo na ‘yung boses mo, ‘yung pagkanta mo.But sana naman pwede pa rin kitang idrawing, kahit hindi ko na ipopost. Ayun thanks ulit, it was nice meeting you, Avery. Wo xi huan ni. Sorry namimiss lang talaga kita. Ingat ka palage ha?”
“Sorry talaga, Reggie :( Okay lang kahit magdrawing ka ng magdrawing. Pakita mo naman sakin ha, okay lang rin ipost;)”
I’m feeling really bad at that point, ‘nun ko lang naintindihan ‘yung feeling na parang may kulang, parang empty. It sucks. Bigtime. Ang bigat sa damdamin eh, ang hirap i-digest ‘nung nangyari, hindi ako makapaniwala. Hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala eh, gusto ko siya makita, tapos gusto ko sabihin niya ‘yun ng personal. But I’m not really worth her time. Hindi ko talaga matanggap, at hindi ko pa maintindihan ‘yun by that time, kaya kinabukasan ng gabi, itexted her.
“Avery, okay, I lied. Sinabe ko na I understand, pero hindi talaga. I don’t know what you meant by stopping. Dalawa lang naiisp ko. 1. Stop for the meantime? 2. Stop as in stop. If ever you choose #1, I’m willing to wait naman eh. Kahit ilang years, just for you. I really like you talaga eh. :/ And kahapon, I really can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t just let you go, I miss everything about you. I want to watch scary movies with you kahit na baka mas tumili pa ko sa’yo.I just want you to know that I’m really serious about you. I’m willing to do anything to make you happy. Wo ai ni sa Chinese, I love you sa English at Mahal kita sa tagalog.”
“#2 sorry :( Thanks for everything.I really appreciate everything you did. I don’t want to hurt you, so don’t waste your time chasing me. I’m not worth it.”
Yep, it’s official, whatever we had, memories nalang ‘yun. Sinabe ko na lahat ng gusto ‘kong sabihin ‘dun sa text ko, pero hindi na talaga pwede eh. Ayaw na niya, hindi na mutual ‘yung feeling. ‘Yun pala ang mahirap, kapag ikaw ‘yung naiwan na may feelings pa rin, tapos ‘yung isa, wala na talaga.
These last few days, ginagawa ko lahat, para lang malibang, kasi siyempre, whenever I’m not doing anything, the memories keeps on coming back. Kaya I did everything, nagwowork out ako, nagbibike, naglalaro, nagdadrawing etc etc. Lahat na, basta malibang lang ako, mahirap kasi eh. Last May 17, sumamba ulit ako sa Calumpang, for one reason, I just want to test myself, ano kayang mararamdaman ko kapag nakita ko siya? Ayun, hindi ko naman siya nakita eh, but someday, makikita ko din ulit siya, sana nga lang, naka move on na ko, and I can finally say “Hi” ng walang nararamdamang kahit ano sa puso ko. Hanggang ngayon, ‘yung Porque, Honestly, at ‘yung mga kinanta namin ‘dun sa Quantum, it just keeps reminding me of her. I keep looking forward to the day na, masasabi ko, naka-move on na ako. Pero kelan kaya ‘yun? Writing this just made me relive all the pain and happiness. It’s worth it naman eh, atleast, I can finally show her what’s up with me all this time. Sana nga lang, mabasa niya ‘to, okay lang kahit hindi niya ma-appreciate, gusto ko lang, mabasa niya, at malaman niyang hanggang ngayon, mahal ko pa rin siya. Mahal na mahal.
